Parent Coaching Advice For The Extreme Temper Tantrum

The Terrible Temper Tantrum

The terrible temper tantrum may sound like a children’s picture book, but unfortunately it’s a very real situation for most parents.  These sudden outbursts from a child can range from the pouting of lips, stomping of feet and ugly looks, to the more furious ones.  These can include flopping onto the floor, kicking, screaming, crying and even the throwing and/or breaking of toys.  These tantrums can occur whenever a child is dealing with a frustrating situation, is tired, hungry or just plain unhappy.

However, you may also experience extreme, monster tantrums when you try to implement new changes to your parenting style.  New rules often times will throw toddlers into a state of tantrum.  Children at this stage in development may have a difficult time articulating their frustration and unhappiness and will do anything to get what they want from their parent(s).  Enter the Tantrum Monster.

So what can you do when the tantrum monster rears it’s beastly head?

Don’t Feed It!

First of all, the tantrum monster wants nothing more than to be fed.  In other words, giving into your child’s demands, trying to soothe it away or generally placating the situation is only going to give the beast more fury.  Sure, it may settle for a short while but the next time your child get’s upset, you’ve set the tone for the situation.   Soon this learned behavior is happening more and more and most likely is escalating in levels and fury.

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No matter how difficult it may seem indulging in any negotiating, begging, arguing, fighting or pleading will only make matters worse -  don’t battle the tantrum monster!

Parenting Positive Teens with ABC – Appreciation, Boundaries, and Courage

by Linda Fulmer

Parenting Positive Teens with ABC – Appreciation, Boundaries, and Courage

“If you think it’s hard now, just wait until they’re teenagers.” What parent has not heard this warning from well-meaning friends and relatives, not to mention the media? It seems adolescence suffers from a cultural “bad reputation,” and too many teens and their parents suffer needlessly by buying into it.

Although there are unique challenges during the transition between childhood and adulthood, the most beneficial message for parents is that raising positive teens without constant struggle is possible. For enlightened parents who are able to express the best in themselves and see the best in their teens, the parenting journey can be pleasant and rewarding and teens can learn to be confident, capable, and caring.

It may not be as easy as ABC, but the following A. B. and C will go far to ease the parenting journey and promote positive, responsible teens.

A Appreciation

B Boundaries

C Courage

Appreciation is powerful. First of all, appreciation and positive attitudes go hand in hand. In fact, it’s nearly impossible to be negative when we regularly and sincerely find things to appreciate. Research proves positive people are happier, healthier, and wealthier.

Positive, appreciative parents are much more likely to find things to like about their teens, and nothing brings out the best in people more quickly than letting them know what you like about them. Given the social, emotional, and biological challenges of adolescence, being appreciated is especially important to teens.

Far too often adolescents are discouraged and disheartened by adult focus on problems caused by teens and their choices in general and by specific focus on their own shortcomings by parents and teachers.

Appreciation, on the other hand, energizes teens, frees them to be themselves, and empowers them to try new things. Being appreciative also energizes parents and helps free them from the resistance that interferes with healthy relationships.

Much of that resistance comes from noticing what we don’t like, pointing it out to teens, and expecting them to respond by changing. Although parents have good intentions, fixing weaknesses is slow and inefficient at best. It is through strengths, not weaknesses, that human beings have the best opportunity for positive growth.

Appreciation is possible even when things are not going the way we would like them to go. No matter what is happening around us, we can choose our attitude. For example, we can see rain as spoiling our picnic or growing our flowers. We can complain about our teen’s weird preferences or appreciate our teen’s growing sense of self.

By consciously looking for and frequently appreciating what teens do well and their positive attitudes and actions, parents reinforce the best in themselves and their teens. The easiest way to get more of what we want is to notice and appreciate it in small doses.

Again, what we focus on expands and appreciation expands that which is appreciated. It also makes it more likely that teens will feel appreciative toward others and pass the gratitude on.

Boundaries are limits and the most effective boundaries are reasonable ones, preferably agreed upon through dialogue with teens. The best boundaries are those that are clearly defined with equally clear consequences if boundaries are not respected.

Boundaries can also help teens choose positive behaviors. Specific boundaries regarding parties, for example, can increase the likelihood that teens will make wise choices about what parties to attend and be courageous enough to leave parties where behaviors fall outside the agreed upon limits. A reasonable curfew can help teens avoid compromising late-night situations.

Boundaries, however, should still allow teens room to explore their world, express themselves, and expand their horizons while they grow into themselves.

Boundaries are not shackles; they are outer safety limits that expand with experience and trust during the adult apprenticeship program we call adolescence. Parents cannot guarantee safety with limits, and boundaries that imprison usually spur adolescents to look for escape routes.

Instead, boundaries that positively guide decision-making honor teens’ need for independence yet provide scaffolding and reinforcement for teen brains and bodies still “under construction.”

Courage is essential. While we ascribe it to firefighters, police officers, and survivors of disasters and disease, nothing is more courageous than quality parenting.

Parents need courage to find characteristics and behaviors to appreciate rather than weaknesses to complain about. Parents need courage to set and monitor reasonable boundaries in the face of pressures to conform. Parents also need courage to maintain both their standards and their cool when it’s easier to give in or blow up.

Courageous parenting requires follow-through with agreed upon consequences, too. Courageous parents avoid rescuing their teens. They know we all learn best by experience. They appreciate how importance it is for everyone, including teens, to take personal responsibility for their actions.

Finally, parents need courage to allow their teens to be who they are rather than what others want them to be. Many of the struggles between parents and adolescents can be avoided when parents courageously honor their teens’ individuality.

These ABC’s–appreciation, boundaries, and courage–are basic essentials for good parenting. Just as letters are the building blocks for words, appreciation, boundaries, and courage build healthy family relationships and promote positive teens.

Linda Fulmer is a seasoned educator, an enthusiastic speaker and consultant, and a free lance journalist who revels in sharing “good news.” Nearly three decades of middle school teaching and directing high school theater have given her an “up close” view of the challenges and rewards of education.

Now “refired,” Linda continues to share her deep convictions about learning and pursues her passion for helping people of all ages thrive personally and professionally through her partnership with Ruth Grass in Yellow Moose Perspectives. Their company envisions a world where people express the best in themselves and find the best in others. To that end, Linda and Ruth help people choose beliefs and behaviors that allow them to thrive. They base their work in emotional intelligence, strength-based strategies, and brain research applications. Learn more about them at [] as well as [] and []

Linda earned her B.S. and M.A. in Ed. from The Ohio State University and lives in Ohio with her husband Mike.

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Barbara Fredrickson: Positive Emotions Open Our Mind

An 8 minutes and 38 seconds video clip about Barbara Fredrickson: Positive Emotions Open Our Mind.

Enjoy Watching!

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As a Parent, How Do I Spent Quality Time With My Teenager

By Karen Vincent

Teenagers can present as ungrateful, like they cannot be bothered by you and like they could take you or leave you as their parent at times. There is no arguing this and most parents of teenagers can identify with this at some point – whether all the time or occasionally. Despite this, what I have seen happen over and over is that parents assume that their teenagers do not want to spend time with them and therefore they stop asking because they are tired of being rejected. Although it makes sense that parents stop asking their teens if they want to spend time together, teens often times end up seeing this as a rejection and feel not cared about.

If you are saying to yourself that this does not make any sense you are right! It doesn’t make logical sense that your teenager pushes you away and then gets hurt that you do not ask them if they want to spend more time with you, however, this is often times what happens. One of the ongoing questions parents of teenagers ask themselves is “how involved should I be in my teen’s life?” There is no clear answer or magic formula, however, your teen will notice if you stop trying to be involved. It is a fine line and often confusing for parents who want to spend time with their teenagers but don’t want to feel like they are being controlling or overly involved.

I have worked with parents who were struggling with this issue and below are some of the suggestions we have come up with through the coaching process that have helped them identify ways they can offer to spend time with their teenagers in a way that is enjoyable for both them and their teenager.

1. Once every couple weeks, offer to take your teenager out for a meal on the way to or from another activity. This will give you 1:1 time with them consistently and does not require them to miss out on other events with friends.

2. Mothers and daughters can go together to get manicures or pedicures. Schedule a time where you can go at the same time and sit side by side so that you are talking during your time at the salon.

3. If you share a common hobby or interest with your teenager, this is a great way to spend time with them. Golfing or playing baseball or volleyball is a great way for parents to spend time with their teenagers. Or if you both enjoy reading or art, you can go together to the library or to shop for books or supplies.

4. Use car time as a way of spending time with your teenager. If you are driving them to an appointment or to a friend’s house, try to use this time to talk to them in a casual manner so that they know you are available to them rather then having car rides in silence or with the radio turned up most of the time.

5. Schedule a family game night (or allow your teenager to invite a friend also). This is a stretch for many teens but I have worked with teenagers who report that they truly enjoy such events. Teens often enjoy sitting in the comfort of their home and playing games they enjoy with people who do not judge them. It’s worth asking or trying!

Sometimes it takes some creativity but it is worth putting thought into things that would appeal to your teenager. It is important to continue to offer your teenager opportunities to spend time with you – even if you think they will say they are not interested most times you ask.

© 2009 Elite Life Coaching

For more information on Life Coaching or coaching for parents please visit [] or email

My name is Karen Vincent. I am a Certified Life Coach as well as a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker with a Masters Degree from Boston University. I have worked with teenagers / adolescents and their parents for the last 15 years in a variety of settings, including outpatient therapy, specialized schools, and in the home.

I have developed and conducted numerous parenting classes and support workshops specific to parents of teens. I have also created and presented training for professional staff including teachers, therapists and counselors who work with adolescents in Massachusetts, Connecticut and in New York City.

In my work, I partner with parents (usually through phone calls) who are experiencing difficulties in connecting with their teenage children and who are struggling to manage social, emotional or behavioral issues which arise during the teenage years. Through working with me, parents are able to:

• work through any self doubt they are having about their parenting

• develop action plans for addressing their areas of concern

• develop new ways of parenting their teens effectively

• discover new ways of connecting effectively with their teens

• eliminate sleepless nights and worries while Restoring Peace of Mind During the Teenage Years

Please call for a free Coaching Consultation: 774-245-7775

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